Another sad and angry post

11 days ago I was walking home from work, when I was robbed at gunpoint.

12 days ago, I was happily planning my weekend, thinking of what my next organisation project was going to be (May was supposed to be organisation month), I was proud of myself for finishing the 31 day fitness challenge (although I didn't do super well) and I felt brave and fearless.

The next day my world crumbled.

I am scared now when walking. I am armed with pepper spray, which helps, but I am still scared.

I have sleepless nights. Not as many, sometimes I will just lie awake for a while thinking about it before I force my mind elsewhere.

I am angry. Angry at the men who robbed me, angry at the police for their attitude, angry because getting my things replaced is so draining. Angry that most of the items in my bag ended up in someone's bin. Angry that they took my feeling of security and my happiness. Angry about the sleepless nights, angry because I know that they don't spare me a second thought.

I am adjusting to life without a smartphone. I miss my useful apps on my iPad very much. I miss candy crush. I miss checking the weather every morning before I get out of bed and catching up on the news while I wait for the train.

But most importantly, I hate that I don't feel like myself anymore.

I feel like the old me was a lifetime ago. 11 days ago ... and yet I can't remember how to plan my week or get my chores done or get ready for work.

I hate that I get angry and upset over little things these days. Bank forgot to order me a new credit card? Well that sounds like an excellent reason to shout at the teller and then burst into tears.

I am doing okay most of the time. Until I hit a disappointment or something triggers a fear response. Then the emotional rollercoaster starts again.

Yesterday as I was walking home, a car drove slowly past me. I got so scared that I almost ran the whole way home. A few days ago, I almost sprayed a homeless man in the face with pepper spray for asking me the time.


Today was another disappointment. Last week the constable investigating my case called me to say that they had caught some people and wanted me to look at photo's. I got my hopes up that I was going to get some justice. I know I shouldn't have. After 3 phonecalls (from me to him following up on when he was going to bring them), he finally brought the pictures today. I didn't recognise them. Which means that they are still out there, getting away with it.

So yes ... I am still sad and angry. But I promise, despite the sound of it, I am doing better. So this is my last sad and angry post (hopefully). I am picking up the pieces of me and putting them back together.